Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
