New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
