Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize