careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
