All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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