Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
