Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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