theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You pole danced in your parka.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
