What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
