Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
