sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
