please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
