you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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