If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize