This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
