K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
