You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
