Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
