i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
