Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize