eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
