I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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