everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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