I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
