____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
FUCK WHALES
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
