what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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