I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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