If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
