I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
