I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
