Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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