I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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