The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize