and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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