Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
