the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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