What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
