she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
