i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
