Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
we're so committed to being not committed
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