According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
