So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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