I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize
