Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
