Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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