My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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