Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize