someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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