how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
