i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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