I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
