Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
