apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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