Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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