guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
