is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
