Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
