it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
