You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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