My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
