also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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