Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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