it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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