brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize